Freak accident kills local haberdasher

Lance Quagmire, 22, died in a haberdashery accident Saturday night.

He was trying on a small hat in an attempt to demonstrate to a customer its auto-fiitting feature when the hat began to squeeze his head. The customer, described only as a man with a yellow hat, attempted to call 911 on his cell phone but the phone was swiped my a renegade monkey. By the time EMS responded, Mr. Quagmire’s skull had been crushed.

Lance was an avid Wii gamer and worked part time as a medical recruiter. For details on funeral arrangements, see Cursor Funeral Home’s website